The goodbye of an introvert!
Okay, just a little bit about me! I’m an introvert, as in loner, who thinks that going outside is overrated, who doesn’t like answering a phone call, who prefers to address others by writing over talking to them etc.
But, in the last couple of years, it has become a little bit better. I learned to maintain a conversation, to some extend! I learned to play the normal guy as much as I hate everything that has “normal” on it. (Why, than, do I do it? Because this way, you can save some time from wasting, when you actually have to go outside and interact with people). When I’m around no more than three people with whom I’m familiar, I can maintain a more or less normal conversation. True, I often feel the need to throw out jokes or word plays, to create the feeling that I’m a “natural” part of the conversation. I usually go for sexual or stereotypical jokes, I have fun to put others in an awkward state as well (sorry to all the Mexicans, to whom, in our first conversation, when they revealed that they’re from Mexico, I asked, “Do you grow your own weed?”).
It seems that most people don’t notice. Most of the time they don’t really go beyond the surface, probably don’t even listen to each other, just waiting for their turn to talk. They cannot really see how much I hate playing these games, these jokes. But, it’s my fault, of course! I’m not able to reveal my feelings, I can maintain an abstract conversation, but as soon as I want to address my feelings, I fail. Miserably! I remember that I never found the courage to tell the girl that I liked so much, that I liked her. We had great chemistry. I could tell that she felt the same way. But the conventional way was, she had to wait for me to take the first step. Kudos to her! She gave me all the signs, but I was just an idiot. Sometimes, I wonder, what if we were made for each other? But this is a story for another time!
Sayonara
Today, I want to write a short goodbye to everybody who is leaving the “Chiba University International House” (=dormitory) this August. Most of you, I didn’t really get to know. I would have loved to get to know you, at a fundamental level. To tell you that I will miss having you around, and that the idea that we won’t meet anymore (maybe never), in this life, hurts like hell. The word “never” hits me, even if it’s just a possibility.
As Alan Watts explains in one of his books, we always say “fall in love” not “rise in love”, so love always includes this idea of “falling”, when we open our hearts to someone, we always risk something, we give ourselves up to someone. With friendship it’s the same, we open our hearts to each other, aware of the possible pain caused by an eventual separation.
So, today, I would like to say goodbye, to A., who left for Australia. I didn’t join her birthday karaoke party, one day before she left, but somebody told me that they were expected to be back at the dormitory at 5:00 in the morning, so I made sure to come from my lab at the university before 5:00 and sat down on the stairs, waited till 5:30, hoping to say goodbye. But the guys didn’t come back at that time. The day after they told me that they were back around 5:30. Apparently, I had missed them for a couple of minutes. Goodbye, A.
Also, goodbye, S. We had a nice one-time conversation about literature and a bit of philosophy. I was so excited to discover that she is a major in literature. She asked for my “LINE” (the most commonly used chatting app in Japan), I was like, “Lady get in line” (there is a line of people waiting for me to get a LINE). We didn’t get the opportunity to have another conversation and “somehow” I missed the information about her leaving day. Now she’s back at Mexico (probably smoking some good stuff-sorry I had to go for it!). She was about to enter a writing competition, in Spanish. I’m sure she did great. Goodbye S. I want you to know that whatever happened between me and your people back in Mexico is in the past, and that I respect you.
Goodbye to all the Germans, who I didn’t even talk to (even though I speak German), but since we all were hanging around “The English House” (build specially for international students) I got to know a little bit about you.
Goodbye to the French guy who kept reading Stephen King, instead of the good old Sartre.
Goodbye to T., from Finland, who approached the video making (for YouTube and other stuff) as a real artist and perfectionist.
Goodbye to M., from Russia, who’s favorite night of the week, just like mine (and many others, I guess), is the night between Saturday and Sunday. Goodbye to the other Russian guy (whose name I never knew) who shared his view about the meaning of life and many other stuffs, in a good long conversation we had.
Goodbye to W., from Malaysia who will be leaving pretty soon. He always insisted that I should join the guys in their fun activities, like going to Mount Fuji. We had a great dinner the other day together with S. from Pakistan and S. from Ecuador. It’s been a while since I enjoyed dinner that much. Thank you, W., for cutting me a great deal for your bike.
Goodbye to all you people, coming from all around the world. I always thought of myself as a citizen of the world (maybe because I didn’t feel at home in any country, but then again, “not every wanderer is lost…”), but you made me understand the true meaning of this concept. Thank you.
I find myself constantly jumping from one philosophical theory to another, pushing me from one corner of my soul to another, taking me to the edge of my existence, and all this makes my soul exhausted and it lets me in a troubled state, in search of the meaning of it all, but as I think about all you, I somehow feel at peace, and that everything will be alright.
Among the things the people left behind, I found a list with some of our names, which got me all emotional, so I kept it!
The song says that “…sorry is the hardest word…”, well I guess both, “sorry” and “goodbye”. For me, it’s definitely “goodbye”. It has a chilling finality to it!
Goodbye, you all!
We’ll miss you!
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