Life roads!
I was right back then. Remember? I told you that all that will remain will be the memory of the time we loved. I thought deeply about it, that night. Looking into the distance from the 9th floor window, I knew it was over. I had spent all day looking at the ashes you left behind, together with the faded lipstick on the remaining filters of the cigarettes you smoked, wondering about the meaning of everything. We had screamed “forever wild” many times, walking under the moon light, but only now I understand the meaning. You called me “Mr. Moon”. You knew how much I loved our night walks. I lived for them. 8 years is a long time. I’m man enough to admit that sometimes I think about you. Where are you now? Are you lost? It seems like you never found a way out of my mind. It has been such a long road.
When I kissed you, I forgot. All the yesterdays. All the tomorrows. I was just there, in the moment. It was so magical. Remember that cold October day? We were waiting for your bus. The weather had turned so fast, a nice day had become so cold and windy. The image of you trying to hide from the wind, behind that decorative scarf you had, is so clear in my mind. You looked so lovely. I could have sworn that you were materialized from a fairy tale, just to be with me, in that old bus station. Well, at some point, our fairy tale went bad. Your blue bus, was just around the corner. I continued walking on the roads of our town. Oh, it has been such a long walk.
We only have one picture together and that was taken by accident. I bet you don’t even remember it. You were wearing that shining dress. Oh, how stunning you were. Your shining eyes, in the sparking dress, what a piece of heaven. I can’t stand the lifeless look behind my eyes. You’re gorgeous, but the smile on that picture looks a little forced. Looking at it, I wait for answers. You don’t talk. Yet, somehow, your silence is my favorite sound.
Thinking that you’re with someone else now, hurts inside. Realizing that it’s just my ego, I change my mind and pray that someone is loving you, the way I did. Maybe a little better.
In my heart, I carry the pain of a million goodbyes. The ones I never said, are the ones that hurt the most. The saying goes something like, “Never say goodbye, if you’re hoping to meet again”. Maybe that’s the reason I never got to say goodbye. Maybe, I just couldn’t let go. I never learned it. Isn’t someone suppose to teach us that? I’m lost. Sometimes, I just want something real to hold on. So, what is this? What am I writing for? I don’t really know. It’s just…Writing about my innermost feelings, makes the hurting stop a little bit. It has become something like a healing process.
I picked up a few things on this road. Oh, what a long, long road it has been…
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